Wondering

So, I feel like it's been eons since I last wrote. I guess it has been over a month! The events of this summer seem to finally be catching up with me. Currently, I am finding the greatest joy from days that require me to do nothing. I still have yet to finish moving in. There are still boxes cluttering my bedroom floor and piles of stuff in the garage.

Right now, I feel like I'm in a bit of a dry place. I am torn between so many things I want to be doing - perhaps more schooling, missions, training to be a birth assistant - and don't seem to have a clear direction from the Lord regarding any of them. I've been passionate about missions but am finding that the idea of long-term overseas ministry is unappealing. I've been struggling with whether this is my own fleshly desires getting in the way or if it's really the Lord saying "no" to "career missions." I also deeply desire to be involved in healthcare in some way, and I particularly love the idea of working with women during childbirth. There is also the option of additional schooling, whether in theology and biblical studies, or the medical field.

There are so many things that I want to "dabble" in, yet I find myself distrustful of my ability to hear God. Perhaps these feelings I have are God's way of speaking to me. If only I knew. Perhaps I'm looking at too big of a picture. Maybe my focus shouldn't be on the next 40 years but on what God wants me to be doing now, short-term.

A recurring theme spiritually this week has been "Be still and know that I am God." In church on Sunday, we were encouraged to sit quietly for a few minutes and listen. I was reluctant. OK, God, I'll sit here and listen, even though I never hear You. Then I began to recite that verse - "Be still..." - over and over to myself. This was reiterated in the sermon and in Bible study last night. I know the Lord is asking me to be still. I just hope that He'll start speaking pretty soon!