I saw a friend last night that I haven't seen in a while - a dear friend who has always ever been a brother to me. At one time, I hoped he could be more. I see in him so many of the virtues that I desire in the man I marry. I've gradually attempted to talk myself out of this dream, though, because I know that God's calling for him is very different than His calling for me. (At least I think it is. It's so hard to know anything for sure in this period of uncertainty.) I don't want to come between him and the path God is leading him down.
Sometimes I wonder, though.... Could love be enough? Could I be content to spend the rest of my life in a far-off country as long as my husband was by my side? I know that, ultimately, I want to be a wife and mother. Could I be just as happy being a wife and mother in Washington as I could in Timbuktu? Could I be satisfied living in an African hut, say, and eating rice three times a day and being able to talk with my family only when the phone lines are up and running? Could I leave everyone and everything I know and hold dear just to be with the man I love?
Someday I imagine that I will look back on all these questions and dreams and laugh. I'm confident that God's plans for me are far greater than the ones I have for myself. But right now, when my calling seems so uncertain, it's difficult to trust that God knows what He's doing.
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